benzyrnill, set to fly, like dragon fly…鸠昱隆嘉











{May 27, 2008}   it turn out to be sandstorm
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the rain continued till early afternoon. i rode to the little restaurant near the dorm of QRRS through the rain. i ate necks of chicken at a favorite price of 5 rmb. returned to office the sky soon turned dark yellow. even the rain likely brought down lots of sand, it still cover the most of sky and let the range of sight greatly shortened. i read in the afternoon, including reviewed my posts published just before i was sent to my home town asylum. i saw the fight in my brain, against adversity and animosity. i sensed the cry for God. later i felt sore on my neck and shoulders. so i took a break. i felt better when i lower my head. after the guy facing me left, i used his ip to make use of proxy, to trying find out urls of my sites under my custom domain. most proxies were blocked and i had to quit.
its special for the weather here in these years. maybe the soil erode heavily in neighbor province, Inner Mongolia. God know where the global climate leads the world to.

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{May 27, 2008}   rain day
last night i slept sound, under God’s mercy. the night before yesterday i sleepless, but finally slept after mid night. God’s calling me and i want to keep alert but the over anxious preventing me sleep. i want live in sound and see God’s set among people, His creature, in calm mood. in the last 4 times before fell into the trap of asylum, i acted upon adversity around my baby and my Royal correctly and dramatic changes in my behavior led me disaster ruin of my opposing the evil’s shadow on me. i now my Royal stepping to the palace was unchangeable, and God choose us led China to belief and self-esteem, no one can change it, but i in the process to form it and i had been called by God to act for 4 times. now i m more or less familiar with God’s message and shine on me and i shouldn’t in a panic as usual. i m in uncomparable glad and should less repulsive to envies and ill wills. i only need to stay in peace with God’s message and help heal others, the population of my empire.
its a gloomy day. rain likely launched last night. yesterday baby was held by the grandma alone to the hospital. i blamed ema to risk baby’s happy mood, but she can’t refuse her mother’s suggestion. the evil old woman likely tried all her means to upset my baby and my baby asked to play outside just returning home from the hospital. till work time over he didn’t return home. he looks in fatigue when i received at home and he asked for sleep immediately. but he didn’t slept, instead he played with ema’s pupils staying our home to be tutored. after all no one can move a single hair of him without our consent under God’s guide. i love him so painfully, for i know he suffering the pains of growth as much as mine. God let all gone with wind, but immortal love just let me more painful.
its a nice rain. i always welcome it as bliss. it clean the dirty and forgive the wrong doing of souls in shadow. i love the heaven, or in simple word, the sky and universe, and the day or time. God, save me from ruin of defense, let me know that all my cares in ur attending. i love u. baby, i love u.

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{May 25, 2008}   a peaceful sunny morning
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yesterday was a busy day. in the morning and early afternoon i busy with registering mirror sites of warren’s and mine sites or group we already had with google sites which recently launched open. dog of China surveillance blocked me and stolen 3 domain of warren, ie., warrentzh, wardzh and warwinzh, and i had to add suffix of 21, standing for 21 century, and finished them. then ema summon baby to visit hospital. baby miserably repeated he don’t want injection. i just finished my work and felt painful on my right wrest, so i suggest i went to hospital to accompany baby. then we, including the grandma, launched. we took taxi arriving there. its a Chinese medical hospital and children treating occupied large portion of its operation. baby first was asked to open his mouth to pick sample from his throat to test if infected there for constant heat. baby cried and refused immediately. then ema asked me to buy some food for baby and i left. after i returned the sample was taken and soon the prescription was offered. i was assigned to paid and fetch medicine. then the grandma amd me let baby enema. a nurse called baby’s name and started. baby cried not to accepted and the grandma forced baby to receive. baby enjoyed the potato chips i just bought and then we moved to a room crowd of sick babies and their parents to prepare for receiving injection.i had to co-use a bed with a very fat woman with her baby. the neighbor bed separating with an lane was sleeping a man with his sleeping baby. i sat beside the sleeping men and the grandma asd beside baby almost facing me. soon i want to urine and i left. then a bed near the door was emptied and we took. i found baby irregular and i guess someone in the environment threatening him. so i picked a chair and sat near baby and facing him. baby relaxed a little but the grandma sad aside with a leg facing me constant stolen my energy. i almost got outpour but she finally left and for a long time stay outside of the room. i on the chair wondering a lot, including my being brought to my hometown. the parents there in the room competed each other and lots of funs. i again know God’s setting there and used hard my brain. ema later busy with chatting with baby who just want to leave before the injection treatment finished. baby bleed a litter after injection finished and we waited for bleeding stop and we took a taxi for home again.
from now on i know the grandma and the uncle stealing from me and my family. in the night on bed i almost can’t sleep and felt baby’s situation, ie., heat on body and sleeplessness. i reviewed God’s calling me 4 times to fight with nothing less but the asylum and my mercy with baby and trying to protect him. i almost worry my sleeplessness again haunted me, but i finally slept and sound till late morning. ema in the mid before i fell into sleep interactived with me. i don’t know who is my enemies and what i should defense. i don’t know which is true about how i can let baby better and more meaningful for me as a father.
it all gone now, with this specular peaceful morning light, morning sunshine. its just too peace to miss a blog. so i stroke here in front of my pc, which likely less attractive since now, for i will spare some time to wonder the God’s manifest around me and respond if necessary. God, pl let me in ur shine, no matter where and how its hard to reach.

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these days i felt burning. since Tuesday morning i was asked to care my baby in the morning, baby cried several times severely for his mother while she attending her school, i just too sleepy and felt right to let baby know his mother can’t care him all way like before, so i just let him cry miserably. he slept once in the mid and when he asked for my care i just replied boy should find ways to play on his own. later he asked to talk with his mother so i held him to phone but three times his mother was absent. when his mother returned she held him outside immediately. next day baby got heat in his body and worried his mother seriously. she massage with alcohol but don’t work. then she bought him some medicines. last noon she finally decided to bring him to hospital. after returned his mother didn’t tell me how he was treated. while in these day i again sensed the situation i was encompassed before i fell into asylum last time. i saw God’s set let people around me mentally against me in office and partially at home. i here God’s call that the idea and thoughts dwelt on me when i was trapped in asylum was truth and all my actions abnormally in those turbulent moment was in right thoughtful mind and i should proud of them. the shortage of attention against adversities distressed me and i in urgency to talk. then i found a guy of my home town who now studying painting in Qinghai Prov., northwest of China, and talked to him in a style almost monologue. then i posted my monologue onto my blogs. after last night sleep this morning i felt much better and i picked down-loading of games as usual. at noon i got know my baby yesterday got enema treated and in addition of injection on his hand. baby called injection on his bottom. i know God’s seeing all these, including darks and shadow over half sky. i cared baby’s sleeping at noon. after he woke up i told him my devotion to God and my choice to follow God’s guide, in a sole aim to build my site and sight of new China in new Millennium. baby in voice and listened my appeal. how i cherished these moment.
after returned to office i got a interview with a guy also from Hubei Prov., my home town province. he likely just punished from wrong doing, even he just a tiny fish in the mud water, for he was removed from previous lucrative job and now an administrator of the dorm of QRRS, where i gradually burned out my calmness and walked to pure God’s call and later brought to my home town and treated there last year. i know enemy of my task, the evil, was gathering and threatening me step by step.
God shines over the land i stand. i know my site was on the aid of my latest beloved girl. i know i m resourceful. i know i own all what i need to finish my task from Heaven here. i do and do in my choice of God.

ps: i caught a storm on way home, even it rightly started before i left the office. it just beaming again as soon as i got my home and see my baby. i caught wet all the shirt.

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卓之 15:38:00
似乎有点厌倦,寻找突破中。

卓之 15:54:09
我想改变什么吗?似乎不太热衷。我需要更多的朋友吗?似乎也不是。

卓之 15:56:15
相信另外一种可能吗?需要时间。相信另外一个世界吗?需要时间。
卓之 15:57:05
形势逼人,我应陶醉。

卓之 15:59:40
铁心冷眼看,游乐待我试。

卓之 16:03:44
籍你我整理思路。我这儿形势逼人。狗群使我偏离常规路线。
卓之 16:04:23
这个世界不存在奇迹,奇迹在你心中。
卓之 16:04:50
我要继续我心中的奇迹。
卓之 16:06:17
空中花园的工作量远未到末期。我仓皇迎战,无心观柳。

卓之 16:06:48
静水返深啊。
卓之 16:10:44
期盼解决,解决在我的心中。只在自在的发现。病房和城堡,你选择那个?稽土与空巢,那个更自由?

卓之 16:16:14
脱壳而去,哪有积重难返?湖光潋影,何避狗气熏天?游走险恶,唯视上帝鸿指,不应牵挂,只存一线帝国。
卓之 16:22:04
只有放弃,只有宽恕,延续自己在此国的滞留和劳作。需要时间让阳光透亮全部黑暗。
我决定,只存一线,与厌弃居,静观其变。上帝的救助在不经意间。

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{May 18, 2008}   a raining & sober moring.

these days went without plan, just likely nature pulse driving. i likely sometimes fed up with surfing and lack energy to engage in new actions. the donating for the earthquake in Sichuan spread all over any organizations, and students ema tutoring talked lots about who denoted how much and who behaved on charity mean. i didn’t being touched much and donated a mere 50 rmb on the gathering hosted by QRRS, my longtime employer, i just felt more stories arriving and i want to see. some young persons and the media likely again turn the calamity another march of patriotism. the media mainly covering the power of government actions and successfully operations and we don’t know how the victims suffered and this will likely never got know in China. God’s know u should be respected first and who should be memorized after all.
i again contented with the materials i can got from the web. i recently got a cd of open fonts and i liked it very much. i designed a logo for my non-profit and advocacy, China Democracy, at http://apps.facebook.com/…uses/86537 , and registered a google group for it, at http://groups.google.com/…aDemocracy .i love my works and just don’t know how to promote it and win more coverage and public awareness.
its a nice day, with a storm in the dawn. now it drizzling and we all cooled down with the reality that we r constrained by the environment and our ability that don’t reach many scope. God in every end of the hope is only workable way out.

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{May 14, 2008}   peacefull sunny morning.

these days sunny weather dominating the climate, let it a breeze in office or on the way home. the earthquake in Sichuan, central China, didn’t shock me much. i neither read much news coverage. the human habitant had made the earth of their own nest and any tiny unstable locally can claim lots of life’s losing. the whole body of human community had grown stronger and stronger and losing of a limb didn’t mean much for the rest of the live body.
my baby these days refused to join kindergarten and was cared by the grandma in work time. i was more or less worried if he can be familiar with his peers, and merging into the peerage. i don’t want he too obsess with schooling or study but he should keep in contact with his peer and good at communication with them.
God, my Lord, i need ur guide even more urgent. dips China into fire-baptism with its revenge.
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these days mostly cloudy days. when sunshine when warm and while windy and cold when cloudy. the tension between ema and me abated and i forgave ema’s selfishness again. baby these days refused to join kindergarten and had staying at home in day time for 2 days. last afternoon i cared him who was sleeping till his grandma returned near 3 pm. in the morning he played in his mother’s office. we played games in the night again, now that his eyes’ reddish less. i still busy with game’s downloading in the night, for i always need to compensate my longings for games for i can’t played with as the young generation, by collecting games. i scheduled it to try seriously large games alone with my own engagement, not in the way now i played with baby. baby these days also felt reluctant to play alone and asked my accompanying him to play. he didn’t engaged in a game for some days since the game "panzer killer" where in later chapters he unable to compete against computer opponent who frustrated him and me. i in the later chapter also got impatient with him and let him cry upon my unconstrained frustrations. sorry, baby, here i apologize to u.
its a peaceful afternoon. the girl graduate told me the bullish monitor, a fake graduate i doubting, talked to her and let her do housework in office more. she complained she was coward. i told her just keeping high and not toadied. i commented the monitor was not a graduate, which essence was the spirit of believing and fighting for freedom rather than obedience, like dog alike behavior of blue collar workers.
that’s our day. rumors has it our salary will be increase these days. its good for me but i know China suffering inflation and i don’t know exactly its side effect.

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et cetera